Wanna Hook Up? Want Cash? - No thanks.

Hello Sheepies it's been over two months since I wrote you. It has been so long between posts because so little has happened... Well a new year happened! Quickly followed by another birthday! Yep, that sums it up - thanks for reading.

Jokes. There's a little more...

Now I have been promising a wonderful blog to you all. A follow up on my last one. The last one, Tinder. If you don't know what it is Google it... I cannot be bothered explaining it again. Or you can just read the last one, although shame on you for skipping it. 

So my Tinder profile had a description. I felt it was needed to separate myself from desperate needy women firing off 50 questions  (which I was about to do) however I'm guessing theirs are based around marriage and children, mine not so much. If I was going to pepper these people with questions I may as well state the real reasons why. Children and marriage have never been high on my radar. Let's be honest.
So in my description on tinder I put: Hi my name's Rach, I write and blog and I have written one on Tinder. If you could spare a few minutes, I'd love to ask you some questions. Of course no real names will be used. Please type a message stating "blog" and I'll fire away. Cheers."

Firstly the response was overwhelming and yes I did click yes on EVERYONE. Yes every age, every race. I yes'd the whole tinder population. It took me about an hour and over the course of the next week and 600 odd matches about 80 of them spoke to me. 

My best conversation on Tinder goes to this bad boy. 
Perhaps I'll set the scene... 
"T'was the 11th of November at 10.35am. Such a fitting day for the conversation that is to follow, lest we forget. This man had a singular photo. He was sporting a fat, silky, pink tie, with a 3 piece suit and a somewhat lazy eye. The following conversation is directly copied and pasted."

HIM: How are you?

HIM: Wanna hook up?

ME: No thank you

HIM: Want cash?

ME: Oh yeah well if you’re offering money sure.

HIM: How much for a bj

ME: What’s a bj?

HIM Blowjob

ME: And what’s that?

HIM: Um sucking on my cock

ME: Oh really? And you pay people to do this?

HIM: Yer for it ?

ME: How much do you pay people?

HIM: How much u want for it?

ME: What’s the going rate?

HIM: $60

ME: I’ll politely decline. I’d pay more for a good meal and it’d be probably more enjoyable

HIM: How much then?

ME: $1,000,000.

HIM: $100.00

ME: ,00

HIM:  No $100 yes or no?

ME: As much as I would love 100.00 I would never like to put your penis in my mouth. And also I feel like what you’re asking is highly illegal.

HIM: Handjov then?

HIM: Handjob

HIM: Handjob for $100 is easy money

This conversation was followed up with several questions marks by "HIM" over a period of a week. 

?

????

???

?

??

Unfortunately communication has since ceased... Damn, he could of been "the one." I imagined he would wear that big, fat, silky, pink tie to the wedding. 

I admit it. I met a man from Tinder. We went to the movies. We saw Bad Grandpa. If you have met me. You know I like a chuckle. So when I was bellowing outrageously and possibly snorting in the cinema the poor guy must of been super embarrassed. I WAS THAT GIRL. Too involved, too amused, too loud. 
There was actually a moment when I considered evicting myself because I found it hard to regain focus... I pulled through and ended up seeing the movie again two nights later.

Anyway the guy was pretty nice. He smelt good, chose his outfit well, he bought the ticket and was quite the gentleman. I thought yep he looked like his profile and he showed up, good on him. It was a successful movie 'date.' I put date in ' ' because technically I don't even really think it was a date. More a catchup... I think catchup is more appropriate because I wore ripped jeans and thongs.

Hangggg on a tick you say? Sounds too simple? Wouldn't everybody get aboard the Tinder Train if that was the case? Well... Turns out he did tell a small lie. A 9 year white lie... Oh no sorry it was 8 at the time. He was only 39. Since then he turned 40. 

From my friends I have had two major reactions:

• Age is just a number if you get along you get along. 

• Rachel what on earth are you doing. What the hell do you have in common? 

I understand both of these views. I get it! I get that it may not be socially acceptable to many. I get that when he was doing VCE I was chilling out in Mum's womb, I get that. 

FYI: The guy keeps well AND he has an aircon which has proven awesome in the heatwave.

The other thing I should mention, which was pre age reveal and is super funny is... 
He told me that I wasn't allowed to fall in love with him. In my head I thought, okay Mandy Moore let's chill the fuck out (If you don't know this reference it's in regards to the movie, A Walk To Rememeber. Mandy Moore plays a  loser/quiet girl with terminal cancer (not revealed until later in the show). She starts tutoring a popular boy and tells the popular boy at school not to fall in love with her. He ignores her, falls in love with her and marries her before *SPOILER ALERT* she dies).

You are so welcome for the spoiler alert... Although if you haven't seen the movie in the 12 years, you are probably not going too.

Moving on...

Me and Tinder and I have parted ways. Although I would recommend a trialling it with friends, if only for  laugh.

I feel that I should splash a safety message here. ONLY MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE!
You do not want to be that girl in the media. You know the one who had her private, internet dating life splashed all over the news. To then come to the conclusion she actually just slipped and fell down the stairs. Imagine waking up to find out your disabled and the world knew you were on RSVP. That's quite the nightmare. 

In conclusion, Tinder made me a new friend. So A + to you! I have left whilst we are on good terms. I shall postpone internet dating until I'm of a suitable age... or have a minimum of 4 cats.

YOU'RE THE BEST,
RACHI METS xxx

Tinder

Hello Sheepies,

How are you all this horrible November day? You're probably thinking I'm only saying this because I went out last night and I'm feeling very hung over.  I regret to inform you, I am not hungover and I am in fact speaking about the disgraceful weather Spring has provided us today and this week. Yes, you know you're old when weather is now topic of conversation.

Secondly, nothing exciting and or funny has happened to me since my last blog. So I have no funny date stories. I do have one boy story. It includes slight heartbreak but funnily enough a very happy ending. Not going to indulge in this one though, it's not overly entertaining. Blog worthy... I think not.

There was perhaps an opportunity for story when I went to the pub after work one day, accompanied by 3 beautiful laddies. I was in a room full of what to appeared to be fairly decent, drunken men who had spent the day at Oaks Day. Poor, old Rach had been working all day and could barely keep her head up or eyes open and was in bed with her boyfriend pillow t by 8.15 pm so no stories eventuated.

Okay so I have a giant confession. I may cop a lot of flack for this. Yes it was partially influenced by friends but the overall decision to join was my curiosity.  

I have so much feedback on the topic and it's too funny to keep a secret. I have been pretty, bloody honest this far, see previous blogs, haha. WHY STOP NOW?! If my awful dating history provides humour to peopl, then they haven't been for nothing.

For those of you who do not know what Tinder is I have Googled you a an answer.

tinder
ˈtɪndə/

noun

1. 1.

   dry, flammable material, such as wood or paper, used for lighting a fire.

   "they slashed down the undergrowth for tinder"

Hahaha, that's one answer... Not the kind you were expecting!

So here is the summary I think that does the best job of explaining what the app Tinder is. I scabbed this summary from the Sydney Morning Herald:

"For us singletons, Tinder is a free app that turns your smartphone into a virtual catalogue of the opposite sex and makes finding a date feel like flicking through your favourite magazine or weekend paper."

I definitely suggest you give at go, just for the laughs or to understand this blog.

I joined, 80% for research purposes HOWEVER if I didn't write about it I probably would of signed up anyway.

I entered with three questions. I have done my best to find the answers. 

1) Who are these people?  

They told me that they were students, some type or corporate job, tradie or people between jobs as they lived an awesome life travelling the world. Whether or not that's true is another thing... But they were the four main answers.

2) What do they want? 

Depends... Mostly the statement "a bit fun" cropped up. Apparently replying, yeah I'm always up for a good time. I enjoy bored games, shopping and am humoured by cat memes were not the answers they are after.

3) Most importantly... Are they good looking?

Occasionally they were, consistently they weren't. Each to their own though, I'm sure there's plenty of people willing to click yes they probably say the same about me.

Now... For the sake of research (as I am a heterosexual) I also changed my sex to male so I could see what my competition was like. Now there were some banging ladies who are either doing it: to help their self-esteem issues, enjoy casual sex, or are a little bit crazy (kind of like Ally from the Bachelor, nice girl but if a girl was telling you she loves you after 4 weeks you'd be running for the hills).

On second part of my discovery I found out what types of men are on Tinder and what their photos say about them:

1) ANIMAL  PHOTOS:

• Holding some type of sea creature whether it be a crustation, shark or fish.
• Thailand/Bali Photo with either a drugged upped tiger or a monkey on a chain.
• Pet dog shot, yeah it's great to see how generous and caring you are.

2) WOMEN PHOTOS:

• Clearly have a girfly/wifey. This proves they're desirable to someone, but anyone with any morals would hopefully not take a second look.
• Same girl in every photo. She's usually hot. You hope it's their sister or friend but then you think why do you only have one friend. 
• Wedding photo. I'm supper happy you're married. I'm sure your wife is just as happy that you're on Tinder.

3) SELFIE PHOTOS:

• Usually topless with giant muscles and no hair. It shows a lot of focus and commitment that you work out. It does not look like you do roids, and have nothing better to do with your time.
• Mirror photo. Enough said.. 

4) MUSIC PHOTOS:

• Classic DJ snap. Can get you into parties or name on the door - they probably know really cool people too that you have actually never heard of.
• Festival shot with guns out in an over sized singlet. Can obviously get you the best pills, to have the best time ever as apparently you can't have a good time sober.
• Acoustic guitar shot. Probably in sepia. Show's they can write a song about you and they are in touch with their emotions.

5) "PAPARAZZI" SHOTS:

• Having a "famous" person in the photo... We all know you bumped into them randomly once and begged them for a photo cos your a big fan. Now you  are trying to portray that you are friends with a minor celebrity. With the exception  of one guy was in a photo with Bear Grylls. I respect that. And we all know Bear loves a bit of Tinder.

6) GLOBE TROTTER PHOTOS:

• Travel shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah... We've all got those friends or is that friend that litter news feeds about there amazing travels and life long Contiki friends they;ve made. I'm partially jealous about them and I partially hate you.

7) MATE SHOTS:

• Mates shot. This is a good one, cos there is a huge chance if you are on tinder you have none, so I admire you trying to shake the stigma.
• Only group mates shot. This is a great one if you have pretty friends because a girl may think that you are actually one of your good looking friends and it's not your fault she doesn't know which one you are. Just wait to you meet up and you see the look of disappointment that you are the friend with red hair.

8) ACTION SHOTS:

• Extreme shot. When you went skydiving or bungy jumping cos you are a thrill seeker, wild guy.
• Motorsport. Yeah cos chicks dig cars and motorbikes. Yep, good call.
• Sport shot. I actually don't mind the old footy photo. No judgements on this one. 
• Water-skiing and snowboarding. Same thing just ones a hot version.

10) AGE PHOTOS:

• When they are clearly lying about their age. Boys who like they left the womb about 10 years ago claiming they are 22 you aren't fooling anyone. Frankly they should even know about Tinder...
• Actually they probably logged onto Dad's account. Leading to my next point. Old men, with wrinkles, polo tops and grey hair. We know you are also not 22. I put you in the same category as the guys who have girlfys. Bad people.

11) SOMEONE WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE A TAGLINE:

• Who takes the time to write something? Bit odd. This crops up quite a lot...  " I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany." (Ron Burgundy: 2004)

12) MUTUAL FRIENDS/FRIENDS:

• Sometimes whether or not I think they're cute if we have mutual friends I just click them so I can ask them how they know them.
• I have come across many people I know. It's unfortunate that most of them have girlfriends or wives and I was under the impression that they were good people so I do question the integrity of such individuals. I think to myself if only their girlfriends knew. I never would reveal them, however if they do read this I think if you love your girlfy perhaps delete the account. Maybe, perhaps I've sparked some fear? 

13) HUMOUR SHOT:

• I like these too. I like a guy who will dress up at a party and is funny. Good on him. 

14) RANDOM FACT:

• I seen a dwarf on there once. Before I realised I'd already clicked no... See that's a risk you take when your constantly saying no. You get into this rhythm and before you realise the dwarf is gone.

In conclusion, I found Tinder initially was quite addictive. Perusing all these people you don't know and when you get a match it does inflate ones self esteem. In the end I was playing it like a game and I'm pretty competitive. EVEN  if they were ugly I was still flattered.

Questions I bet you would ask me...

1. Would I meet any of these people? No. Sadly I wouldn't. 
2. Would I judge anyone who did? No I wouldn't do that either. I would probably encourage a friend to go on a date. If a date was an option? I could vicariously live a Tinder life through someone else as I am not willing to do it.

So... Long story short, it's been rather funny. I shall however keep my dates to those people I meet out, in the flesh. Do check back in with me when I hit 30... I may consider it before I start my cat family. 

Side Note: Who would have thought Tinder would break my 5,000 views! Okay so it may be wishful thinking but I hope it does! Feel free to subscribe to get my blog via email.

#YOLO

YOU'RE THE BEST, RACHI METS xx

The two guys who didn't get away... The two who just hang around

Hello sheepies!

Although my heart still aches from my last breakup I've decided to hit the blog again as I'm feeling like another rant is needed about random crap in my life. As you can tell all my blogs wander from one topic to another with no real transition from one paragraph to another, so I'll apologise up front. Feel free to stop at any point much like to do when someone's talking and my eye catches a glimpse of a very sexy, hairy, dirty trades man. Oh I'm such a creep!

Since my last blog was made I have been on a singular date. One singular date where I actually ran away abruptly at the end. It was great that we walked to the train station and my handy Craigieburn line was 2 minutes away... So I grabbed my Myki, yelled, "I'm making this!" And run off into the distance never to see my not so Prince Charming. It's not often I come away from a first meeting with someone hating them but I certainly hated this guy, everything he said was annoying and I agreed with almost nothing he had said. His that loser in a group who hangs out with the loud class clown laughing and hanging of every word he says. It's just unfortunate I was put into a situation where the class clown was his 40 year old cousin and his wife. I was unaware this was going to be the case and due to a last minute pull out of mutual friends found myself with one loser, and two old, drunk, loud people.

Moving right along... I was chatting to my roomy tonight. I relayed some information to her. Some information I will never reveal to another sole (names will not be revealed). Out of all the men I've dated, sorry Mum there have been copious amounts of boys. You can either choose to be horrified or be proud that somebody actually wants to take your daughter out! I would like to point out that's why I only go on one date... Not because I have commitment issues, but because the men who take me out clearly have issues.
 Anyway I'm getting side tracked again... I was telling Roomie out of all the men I've dated, I only ever pictured 2 of these people to be perhaps more than a friend, a real genuine thought for each of these guts. Unfortunately due to geographic locations none of these options are viable (maybe that's why I like them so much, it's hard to hate someone you see every blue moon). Or maybe they just wouldn't feel the same way and I like to say its because of where they live! Haha. 

Now that I think about it.. There may be three, however seeing as though I've gone for quantity over quality I still don't like my odds. That's like less then 10% if my maths is correct and considering I dropped it in yr 11 it's probably not.

So my roomy guessed one of them but only because we were just talking about him!

And the other the general public may guess just because I've  only ever written fond things about him... 

The one which roomy guessed, I don't even think my closest friends would guess... But to this day I think he's quite lovely. The funny thing is the two guys I have pictured to share more than one date with, I still really like. Physically they aren't my taste but I'd marry both their personalities in a instant. So yes, I'm not vein. I would much rather date a lovely, ugly person then an attractive, arrogant arsehole. See I can be a good person!

Speaking of being a good person, I volunteered for a breast cancer event with my bestie. Our designated rank was to set up table decorations and greet people at the door. I went above and beyond and pointed guests to the toilet (just past the stair case and the pillar and then to the left). I also had time to have a joke with Fifi Box and eat as many free biscuits and cheese as I could for someone who just had a root canal. I managed to snaffle a guest bag as well!

I've decided now, that I had cemented my place in heaven, as I had gotten out of bed at 7am Saturday and stayed to 4pm on my day off. Also with my DryJuly efforts I have for sure landed myself in good stead, hello heaven! So now I look at life like - If I fuck up bad (excluding, I kill someone on purpose but I just don't see myself as a murderer) I've done good so it will at least equal out as a minimum. 

Oh yep still pretty over whelmed with DryJuly efforts. Still can't get over it. Still very humbled and proud. And it's bloody October! Perhaps I'll move on next year... Who are we kidding I will not be over it next year either. And I will never be competing in Dry July ever again, just for an FYI.

Leading to my next point, my super cute mum. She's doing dandy. Holidaying like no ones business. And now that her hairs growing back and her and dad have matching haircuts they are pretty cute.  #teambarb.

That's a great note to finish on. Seemed to slide a lot better of the the tongue than, "Go fuck yourselves SanDiego!"



YOU'RE THE BEST, 
RACHI METS xx

Not Knowing My First Ever Break-Up Was Even Possible. LOL!

Good Evening Sheepies. What a few weeks it has been! I thought I may as well finish Winter with a BANG! 

So today's blog will be dedicated to break-ups. Awkward...

Now I guess you are wondering why I am on the topic of break-ups as I have had zero boyfriends. And I would like to confirm that this is true. HOWEVER I can now say I have been broken up with! This is quite the honour.

I was actually unaware 3 dates constituted the term "relationship."

1. We first caught up at the local pub on Saturday night, 
2. Second date was on the Tuesday at his house then walked to get food and just hung out there
3. Date number three was Thursday night. He came around with kebabs. Roomie was home so just a causal hang. You can ask her.

Actually all the dates were very cas and all quite enjoyable.

Now of course there were some red flags... (Oh hindsight is an amazing thing);

1. A grown man who owns a bunny and takes him to work. I thought he kind of pulled it off but on second thoughts I think he loved it a bit too much. He didn't enjoy my rabbit pie joke.
2. He owned a lot of "man" jewellery. Claimed as gifts but still he owned a gold chain. This is only okay is your occupation reads: Pornstar
3. I did question if he was a homosexual after date number 1 due to mannerisms, clothing choices and he uses the word 'pizazz.'
4. He wore a scarf
5. He was from Melton 
6. His age(when they have a few years behind them you wonder why?)
7. Date number 2 was interrupted by two lesbian hockey players who proceeded to ask him if the tribunal had contacted hum after his match on Saturday and they also mentioned his opponent had ended up in hospital.
8. He plays hockey
9. He had a studded belt
10.  As below... I just want it noted. He seemed relatively normal but I am glad to have dodged a bullet or in his case a canon ball.

***Now clearly number 5 should be an auto deny***

Remember when this conversation took place I had known the man for a total of 8 days. I have also changed his name because it wouldn't be very nice to use it and he had a shocker first name that made him seem really old.For the purpose of this, I will call him John. John and I had last spoken on Friday when we said we would catch up Sunday. I told him I would be in Bendigo for a baby shower but would be back Sun night and we could do something then. I had not heard from John at all over the weekend. By the time I had gotten home it was 7.00 pm and I decided. He must of forgot, but I would message him at 8 o'clock to see how his weekend was. Slightly disappointed to not have heard from him, oh well never mind!

OKAY ARE WE READY !!!???

I mean are you sure? You really need to brace yourself because I worry for the state of mind. Please NOTE I have not changed the texts to make myself better or him look worse... This actually happened. I apologise for his confusing fullstops as well they are poorly placed:

John is the red text (red is for angry/crazy)

I am the blue text (blue is for cruisey/normal)

Hey? Hope you weekend was nice

Thought I would let you contact me.. Was a big mistake..... We were meant to hang tonight?

Hey John!

Great weekend! How was yours?

Sorry I haven't been home long! Went and seen dad and gave him his present instead of heading straight back.

What ya up to?

Mine weekend was very family orientated.. I'm just watching tv at home.

Did your nephew win hockey?

Are you super tired...? I cans till come around and watch a movie or something if you're up to it!

Little fellas won yesterday. Was great to see see them win.. They were very pleased.

It's cool, but thanks anyway.

Oh Goodo! 

No worries. SOrry I just sorta thought ud msg and then time got away. Well we'll catch up this week when ya free? 

15 minutes passes - no reply.

John you sound a little annoyed...

Sorry.. Was watching a movie. Not annoyed don't stress.

Okie doke enjoy the movie

An hour and a half later.... At 10.02pm

Hi, I'm just going to let you know that I'm not interested in continuing our relationship.

Oh ok no worries. May I ask why? Last time I checked you enjoyed hanging out with me and we were going to catch up tonight? And a total flip tonight? Dont worry I wont get crazy girl just interested in why?

I do like hanging with you, and I have been a really goo communicator to you. Yet you cant do the same. Only when pressed did you ask to come over.. And I dont want you to have to be reminded to come hang out with me.

That's the reason for the flip. I know that you visited your Dad today, which was nice. All you had to do was send a text and it would of made sense.

Was really excited about tonight and planning all day to cook you dinner. And just hang with..House mate knew.. Then had to say that you learly weren't coming when I hadnt heard from you by quarter to eight.

Thanks Rach.

No worries all the best.

Yes... Yes that is what he felt the need to say because I had not messaged him after a casual discussion for a catch up on Sunday. 

Relationship is surely after a few months, maybe when there is feelings and not after three dates consisting of food?

Relationship, communicator, planning... Geezuz man, cool your jets. You are not Dr Phil. 

So we all know why the good looking 33 year old man is single.  Thank gosh this panned out over text I couldn't even imagine what my face would do it in that situation... We all know subtly isn't my forte.

The most awful part is he thought I would be very apologetic instead if he knew me I was already running for the hills and I do not enjoy running.

"Hi, I'm just going to let you know that I'm interested in continuing our relationship."

So I'm going to claim this as my first ever break-up although I believed it wasn't possible to break up with somebody you weren't actually seeing I can now proudly say you can. I HAVE BEEN DUMPED and it has provided me with much amusement and a story I will cherish. I will be forever locking my door.

...See guys this is what happens.

You think I'd be making this up. I can assure you I am not.I attract the crazy, loopy, needy boys. I'll let you know when I meet a real man.

Keep me in mind when you want me to make yourself feel better I got an endless amount of stories.

YOU'RE THE BEST,
RACHI METS xx

I am now Wine Connoisseur.

Hey Sheepies!!!

It has been a long time and I’m sorry. Life got dull now I spend my days in my room Googling YouTube clips trying to live a dangerously through the idiots uploading clips. I do this whilst I cuddle my boyfriend pillow. Yes I own a boyfriend pillow! Yes it was a gift! Yes the gift makes it socially acceptable.

WOW my return to blog world starts with an opening paragraph justifying my boyfriend pillow. Good start guys. Buckle up.

Okay so most of the people who read my blogs like the blogs relating to my horrible dating history. This is completely fine because I too giggle at men wearing white sunglasses and try to get me in a horse and cart on a second date. However a girl can only take so much. I took a step back and stopped saying yes to every bozo out there who asks me out. I just made it sound like there is heaps… There isn’t.

I can make a stand and say no to dates but I can’t help random shit happening to me. Third parties are too gosh damn uncontrollable.

For example: I went out Saturday night and I kissed a short man with no hair. It was super cool when all his friends started taking photos because that is super grown up. I saw it (my eyes were open so it can’t have been awesome) and then said, “Oh sorry guys you probably didn’t get a good shot here you go!” I felt like a celebrity getting paparazzi’d. Looking back it was far less flattering without the 4 long island ice teas. #seedymoment

Second story: My grown up date. With a relatively attractive man involving red wine and TV. Yes folks red wine and TV. Instead of being excited it crushed my spirit a little. When did I turn into a wine connoisseur? When did I become that person who drank a glass of red a day because it’s good for your heart? Oh, maybe that was when I decided to get a PT and become a health freak…Maybe that’s when. So I guess last Thursday. PT and I meet Saturday. I imagine him to be the commando but I know that’s expecting a lot… But a girl can dream.

Oh yeah so this ‘date.’ Was good and fine. Nothing WHAM BAM!

It started with him stepping outside into a massive puddle… “Starting the date with cold feet” I rated that call. The guy was quick on his toes… Maybe too quick and that’s why they were wet and he ran into issues…

He did offer me steak. That was nice. I didn’t have the heart to say steak tastes like poo. Then when he offered me chocolate,  I could have said “I’m a diabetic.” Haha but I didn't and I politely declined.

I  did appreciate the sentiment.

So I sat on the couch and was watching TV and I kick the couch and it shoots out (the old reclining sofa). I said, “Cool wow that was awesome what I nice surprise!!!” to which I got, “How about this for a surprise.” Before I knew what came at me he was kissing me. Before I knew it I was half making out with the id. I... Umm... Urrr sorry I just didn’t expect that you caught me off guard. Pretty awkweird – that’s my new word. Cool huh?

So he was very forward… Open book really. Straight out with the when was your last boyfriend question? Umm... Urrr well funny you ask that. I have had 0 boyfriends. Didn’t help the situation by him bellowing, YOUR JOKING, nah you totally KIDDING!!!!

Nah I’m really not. AWKS.

Then he asks if I’m a virgin… (*WARNING* Mum if you are reading this, I’m sure you are aware that these ‘things’ have occurred. After all I was the running joke at the Christmas table for breaking a penis that time. And by ‘things’ I mean sexual intercourse. Feel free to stop reading as I can tell you are already uncomfortable. Gosh I’m digging myself a giant hole… Mum’s probably the only one who reads this dribble).

Any way don’t worry parents it was PG and there’s nothing much more to tell. OH ACTUALLY no there is exciting news… I discovered a show called, ‘Would you lie to me?’ and now I love it. So If I got anything out of this date… It’s 7 seasons of ‘Would you lie to me?’ to speed up winter.

YOU’RE THE BEST RACHI METS xx

Been awhile.

Hey sheepies. It has been a very long time since I wrote and you tried to read. I say try because my spelling and punctuation could use some help but I figure if the content is somewhat entertaining then screw you punctuation Natzis. Auto correct is useless also, just on a side note. I don't like you trying to correct words with 'Z' instead of 'S'. It's organisation arsehole, shit move. Yeah and that fuzzy line you put under arsehole I'm not changing it despite you, it's not ass hole. 

So last time I wrote I think it was Christmas and I was still on a natural high from Santa. Yeah this year Santa could have probably acquired some legal marijuana (that whole Cancer thing has massive perks) however I  do mean the natural high you get from receiving great gifts, like pillow pets. Which I now snuggle every night and which do receive sneaky kisses on occasion..

So lets start with the juicey stuff... My blender works a treat and it's smoothie central over here. Jokes! Let's take a glance at the boys, boys, boys...When I repeat it like that it makes it seem a lot so I feel important or like a massive slut, either way at least I'm not boring.

Last time I checked though... The lads have been placed "on hold" after an unfortunate accident [see prior blog]. 

The rule my mother taught me: "we'll it can't hurt" was a complete and utter lie. This rule was brought to my attention  when she gave me a vitamin because I seemed tiered and grumpy and exams were coming up. Her famous last words, "Just take it Rach, it can't hurt!" 

9 days later...

"Barb I haven't pooped in nine days what have you done?"

Long story short Vitamins have a high level of iron and in fact they can cause large amounts of discomfort and hurt. So when you've got an exam to sit, the risk of taking laxatives is a risk far too great BUT at least I 'passed' - in more ways than one.

Okay so enough about poo stories because chicks don't poo.

Ahhh boys. Well I've been on a couple of very unsuccessful dates. I'm thinking I'm in Melbie now I can date whoever and if it's not great then I don't have to see the, ever again... Great in theory. Terrible in practice.

Date #1:

Went to movies. Bad idea. One because we had dinner first which was at 7.00 pm and the movie was at 9.20 pm which is frankly a lot of pressure for small talk and when he feels the need to talk the whole 2hrs and 20 minutes was quite painful. He talked about "mummy" and "daddy", and his tales at his pompous, religious, school choir, school days although he was well and truely finished and clearly living in the past. He dabbled with conversations about all his acquaintances and how they live in a 'Brighton bubble.' Safe to say the wankers can stay in the bubbles and not mix with  us commoners and peasants whom catch public transport.

 If I could say 5 things to him;

1. About time you moved out from mummy's house and stop referring to her as mummy. It is weird and creepy.
2. Eric banner lives near by does he? Oh that's fantastic you must be best friends and if you're going to name drop at least call him The Hulk.


3. If you know the different between drapes and curtains don't refer to the amazing drapes and interior of the restaurant you dined in.


4. You chuck a party, you don't host a party and a crazy night does not involve murder mystery. Unless you actually killed someone which then may spice your horrendously boring party.


5. Yes its sad that your Grandpa died, but that was 10 years ago and you're really clutching if that's your pity story. And when you say you work in a hospital in the cancer ward and tell me you have no idea what it's like... WAIT, ALAS! There is more. He said he looks after a lot of patients after they have been in some pretty bad car accidents.You're are lucky I didn't snot you in the face. Let's compare stories and see who wins. Haha I could of said endless things to make an awkward situation instead I said. Yes I can't even imagine how that would be, I guess it's lucky you don't know them. Haha awkies (I do!).

Date #2: 

Consisted of a relatively good night. He got me drunk. Now I'm not one for making him pay but he did insist... and I did get drunk for free. It was a pretty cool, laid back place -The Provincial. Nice and cruisey evening you would think. WRONG! He over analysed everything. I told him he was quite high strung, but he was nice - so I persevered.... However when the dates done and dusted and the next day he has an engagement day party and he jokes that he'll drunk call and you laugh. Well that's not so funny when you wake up the next day with 3 essay, long msgs and 5 missed calls post 3am.

However the good person that I am I went on date #2 - terrible idea. Maybe I wasn't going in with the right mindset... Oh shit no I did. We were going bowling... Didn't realised he was going like he was bowling for fucking Australia. Then kept insisting we put up bumpers. I was okay, knocking some pins over. Not getting massive score. I just found it plain annoying him trying to teach me the correct technique when he was clearly shit house and needed the bumpers for himself.

The whole ten minutes it took to bowl one game - we both decided it was time to give up. I was home by 9 after he asked me if I wanted to go home. I said, "we aren't actually doing anything and its all a bit weird" he proceeded to be all like dumb founded.  Anyway I continued on with, "you are just very stressful and my life's stressful enough without you analysing everything of every date. It makes me stress out and I don't need it."

So I felt I was honest and whether he liked it or not I was not going to be even meaner and lead him on. Okayyyyyyy so wait for this.... Somebody got a little his back up and came back with this:

"Maybe you should look at your self a bit more and not change when your around me because I stress but doesn't mean you have too. So maybe just look a bit closer to home!"

Okay stalker, arsehole behind closed doors, enjoy your life. I copped it on the chin and happily caught the train home. Although I did buy a 500ml cider and discussed with the bottle-o guy how great I look strolling the streets of Flemington at near dark, with a paper bag drink in my hand.

Surely I'm not the only one with horror stories?

YOUR THE BEST,

RACHI METS xxx

P.s: Randomly... Did you know that yabbies are mostly vegetarians and the only reason they go for meat is when you put it in the net is because they want to keep their environment clean? I need a yabby-man. Also my dad told my the vegetarian story and I have yet to validate it with any reliable source but whether  or not it's true - I kinda like the story. So let me believe it. Some people choose god but I choose to believe in somewhat vego yabbies.

CHRISTMAS!

...I LOVE CHRISTMAS MORE THEN I LOVE PEPSI MAX, wow big call!

What better day to write a blog then on Christmas night. 

I sit here satisfied with a belly full of food, I have basked in all my glory from winning several board games and I've really cleaned up in the present department. 

Now most of you will not get a chance to read due to either;

•     Being plum tuckered out from a massive day.
•      Passed out from obviously being to jolly (not because you get very drunks cos you're that person with the shit family)
•      Or you are too cool to be on the net at 11.02 pm on Christmas.

…I'm not any of those. Either way I hope you find time to read me.

The past twelve months has delivered some very lows, a few highs and some mediums? I know that's probably the right terminology but the right terminology has never stopped me before. 

I have not learnt a lot -like normal. I retain useless knowledge which serves me no purpose and I've realized if you are playing trivial pursuit and you want to win don’t pick 90’s trivia pick popular culture. I was born in 1990 so I feel like versing brother, aunty and uncle was a tad unfair. Moving on... (I won all the other games just a FYI...I'm a little competitive). 

A lot of people this year have told me at least you will be thankful and more appreciate of things. That I will not. I have always been appreciative and thankful so that is saying is a heap of crap... It's kind of like saying I will want kids one day.

Another thing I've learnt in my year of adult hood is I will never grow up. I will be like Peter Pan – the boy that never grows up. I enjoy board games and pillow pets and bon-bons and musical hats and putting 'and' where commas should be. These small things in life are what make me happy. So if a cheap thrill is all it takes I will forever be happy. 

I've learnt which friends I’m glad I've kept. This didn't need learning as I was always aware they were awesome and even though I’m not good at replying to your texts I like it when my phone whistles and your name is there.

I've learnt there is always a place to pick up men.  Whether it’s the doctor in ICU saving your life or the workmen fixing the elevator there is always a time to be cute and charming.

This leads me to the next exciting stage of my life… 22. I have waited a whole year so I can use the line “Hey I’m Mets and I’m a catch 22!” – Witty and funny, I know it will work a treat! I'll keep you posted.

Being 22 is making me old. All my Christmas gifts are useful; iron, food processor, sewing machine, whisk, can opener, measuring cups, measuring spoons, herb chopper, egg poacher and pizza cutter. These items well ‘serve’ me well. The dinner parties will be out of control – pizzas cut so clean, egg whites light and fluffy, perfectly poached eggs in the morning, baking with correct quantities, drinking from beautiful wine glasses… It will be an amazing year to be my friend. Last but not least I cannot forget the pineapple carver. I cannot wait to carve pineapples and put jelly crystals and tooth picks on them and be cute.

So Christmas was pretty much a kitchen tea minus a fiance... Couldn't be more perfect if it wanted. 

My two gifts that are more fun, if you are not into home wares, is an iPAD thanks to Ryon and my pillow pet Eeyore. He had a giant snooze with me tonight after I got a bit drunk playing trivial pursuit 90's because drinking was fun when you don't know the answers. I did genuinely get one wedge, the ugly brown one [sad face]. I realized I was a bit drunk though when I kept going 'HOW NOW BROWN COW' after anytime someone landed on brown question.

I may have been the brunt of all the jokes this year but I may or may not have broken a penis. Jokes! Between the acquired brain injured brother, mother baldy and the dead dog you were lucky to get a mention.

Quick thanks for not only reading my blog but for being good people to me. It does not go unnoticed I see my blog profile viewing increasing every time so it's definitely noticed. 

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIENDS AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT…

YOU’RE THE BEST,

RACHI METS xxx