I am now Wine Connoisseur.

Hey Sheepies!!!

It has been a long time and I’m sorry. Life got dull now I spend my days in my room Googling YouTube clips trying to live a dangerously through the idiots uploading clips. I do this whilst I cuddle my boyfriend pillow. Yes I own a boyfriend pillow! Yes it was a gift! Yes the gift makes it socially acceptable.

WOW my return to blog world starts with an opening paragraph justifying my boyfriend pillow. Good start guys. Buckle up.

Okay so most of the people who read my blogs like the blogs relating to my horrible dating history. This is completely fine because I too giggle at men wearing white sunglasses and try to get me in a horse and cart on a second date. However a girl can only take so much. I took a step back and stopped saying yes to every bozo out there who asks me out. I just made it sound like there is heaps… There isn’t.

I can make a stand and say no to dates but I can’t help random shit happening to me. Third parties are too gosh damn uncontrollable.

For example: I went out Saturday night and I kissed a short man with no hair. It was super cool when all his friends started taking photos because that is super grown up. I saw it (my eyes were open so it can’t have been awesome) and then said, “Oh sorry guys you probably didn’t get a good shot here you go!” I felt like a celebrity getting paparazzi’d. Looking back it was far less flattering without the 4 long island ice teas. #seedymoment

Second story: My grown up date. With a relatively attractive man involving red wine and TV. Yes folks red wine and TV. Instead of being excited it crushed my spirit a little. When did I turn into a wine connoisseur? When did I become that person who drank a glass of red a day because it’s good for your heart? Oh, maybe that was when I decided to get a PT and become a health freak…Maybe that’s when. So I guess last Thursday. PT and I meet Saturday. I imagine him to be the commando but I know that’s expecting a lot… But a girl can dream.

Oh yeah so this ‘date.’ Was good and fine. Nothing WHAM BAM!

It started with him stepping outside into a massive puddle… “Starting the date with cold feet” I rated that call. The guy was quick on his toes… Maybe too quick and that’s why they were wet and he ran into issues…

He did offer me steak. That was nice. I didn’t have the heart to say steak tastes like poo. Then when he offered me chocolate,  I could have said “I’m a diabetic.” Haha but I didn't and I politely declined.

I  did appreciate the sentiment.

So I sat on the couch and was watching TV and I kick the couch and it shoots out (the old reclining sofa). I said, “Cool wow that was awesome what I nice surprise!!!” to which I got, “How about this for a surprise.” Before I knew what came at me he was kissing me. Before I knew it I was half making out with the id. I... Umm... Urrr sorry I just didn’t expect that you caught me off guard. Pretty awkweird – that’s my new word. Cool huh?

So he was very forward… Open book really. Straight out with the when was your last boyfriend question? Umm... Urrr well funny you ask that. I have had 0 boyfriends. Didn’t help the situation by him bellowing, YOUR JOKING, nah you totally KIDDING!!!!

Nah I’m really not. AWKS.

Then he asks if I’m a virgin… (*WARNING* Mum if you are reading this, I’m sure you are aware that these ‘things’ have occurred. After all I was the running joke at the Christmas table for breaking a penis that time. And by ‘things’ I mean sexual intercourse. Feel free to stop reading as I can tell you are already uncomfortable. Gosh I’m digging myself a giant hole… Mum’s probably the only one who reads this dribble).

Any way don’t worry parents it was PG and there’s nothing much more to tell. OH ACTUALLY no there is exciting news… I discovered a show called, ‘Would you lie to me?’ and now I love it. So If I got anything out of this date… It’s 7 seasons of ‘Would you lie to me?’ to speed up winter.

YOU’RE THE BEST RACHI METS xx