Miss Universe

Feel free to call me Miss Universe… Why you ask? Because I’m beautiful! No not really! Because my blog is viewed all around the world. I’d love to say read but judging from Latvia, Indonesia, Columbia and Nigeria’s singular view each I have a feeling they are randomly clicking on me and not actually reading it. All the same I still love that my country viewing is expanding! Reaching Africa and South America! I would like to also make a special mention to my American sheepies! I’m not sure who you are but I love that you read RACHEL METELMANN!

Blog Views from world! Thanks Worldy! You da best!

Oh shoot! Let’s not forget Russia! You too are closing in on America’s numbers/views. And the only time I’ve had any affiliation with a Russian was the end of 2011 when I had a naked Russian stripper attempting to give me a ‘funny’ lap dance on me. Mind you it’s not funny to make you vagina speak to me… Yes she got her vagina and made it talk and the vagina said, “I have a very lonely vagina!” And you know what I bet her vagina isn’t lonely- not judging a stripper or anything. I bet her vagina isn’t lonely at all. She didn’t seem to shy when she was waving her boobies in my face and trying to sit on me vagina first. NOW I would like it known I only got a lap dance because;

1.      It was paid for by a friend. Who told me it would totally be fine and failed to mention the violation factor. He taught me it wasn’t worth the experience.

2.      Naïve Rachel was unaware of the actual deed itself. I wasn’t aware they got nakey, and tried to sit on you, make their vagina talk to you, grab their boobies and try to rub them in your face and ask if you want vodka or bourbon whilst squeezing each boob and telling me about her Gold Coast holiday (maybe I should say ‘tit’ as its more appropriate for term for the story, yet that is a terrible term and I refuse it. You should also note I didn’t say her ‘pussy’ spoke to me as that too is far too disgusting).

Okay time to move along… Back to worldwide talk. I’ve always wanted to travel the globe and in my own small way I’m doing that Wednesday! Not going over any seas or anything but heading west. West to Perth. YES I’m crazily excited because the most West I’ve been is Horshie (formally known as Horsham) and as exciting as that town is I think Perth might be better! Maybe this awesome holiday will spur on more bloggy mc-blog-blog topics.

I have not been far from Arnie (Arnold - or as some of you like to call it St Arnold). I’ve been to Queensland two times I can remember (Townsville, Gold Coast) and two times when I was younger and can’t remember (Gold Coast, the only thing I remember is my awesome bathers and getting yelled at for running around playing tiggy on the balcony because it was ‘dangerous’), Sydney once to get on change over plains and Tassie once but we all know that’s not really part of Australia.

So I finish my bloggy off with a story: A wonderful story about a Lebanese cab driver…

I had the most amazing cab driver (this is world related because his from Lebabon). He was impressed by my flag knowledge. Yes I do know what the Lebanon flag looks like, red, white and has a green tree on it! How handy! Not really, but what great general knowledge- you know you want me on your trivia table! I didn’t mind that he found it hard to spell Rankins Road. The fact he had to go like R like RRRRRRabbit cos he finds it hard to decipher between R and D. He was so lovely and cute. He flattered me by telling me anyone would hire me because I seem very organised, adorable and switched on… unless they are girls because they’d be jealous. So I was only to be interviewed by men because they’d adore me (unless they are old women who have already lost it – enjoyed that line). How wonderful of him! I thought about kidnapping him and taking him away, but I thought on my wage of $0 I couldn’t afford to feed a grown man. I couldn’t get enough of him. I tipped him very well because he deserved it! He told me that it was too much darlin’ and he could accept it! Oh he was just so lovely wasn’t he! He waited for me to unlock the door to see I got in safely! My favourite cab driver ever! GO LEBABON!

YOUR THE BEST, RACHI METS xx